Ooopha! I am finally coherentish from a crazy surprise slumber party last night.  My dear friend Lauren came over to hang for a bit, catch up and just chill but we decided to make some cocktails.  And some quickly turned into a lot and a short visit became 4 am.  So obviously she just slept over.  We had a blast though, my head and stomach this morning, not so much.

We all know moderation ranks fairly close to patience on my list of virtues (i.e. very low to the bottom) but man did I do a number on myself.  All I could think was, when I was younger a night like this would have been a cake walk.  We ate, we drank, we chilled, why are I tore up today?  I guess its the whole age thing, blah.  I normally believe the motto, age is only a number, but sometimes your body makes sure to remind you, no you have been on this planet for 27 years, take care of me you dumb floozy.  And normally I do, I think that’s why this kicked my ass so hard.  It was the first time I’ve drunk hard liquor in 3 months. What a silly girl am I.

Oh well though, I have spent my day plotting and scheming for how I’m going to treat my body better once I’m all healed.  I cannot wait to go on walks again and I actually have a job interview this week that would include a gym membership with it.  That would be lovely.  Mind you I’m not interested in losing weight as a goal but just feeling healthier in my own skin.  Right now, especially right now, I just feel full of crud, like my pipes are clogged and exercise will clean me up to the amazingness I know I am and know I can be.

So if I gained anything from putting my body through a hellacious day it’s that I’m not 21 anymore and that’s ok, I am something more fabulous than that.  I’m me.

huggles and kisses

The footy pajamas I spent all day in looking a lot less sexy I can promise you that.

Please remember I am writing this from a very personal space and some things could be misinterpreted as judgements, that is not the case.  I am just feeling hurt and like all of us when we are hurt we search for reasons why and usually find them in others because it’s easier to blame others for our problems than to look in at ourselves.

If you ever have a friend or someone you consider a close associate get bed ridden, or they become immobile for whatever reason.  Go visit them.  You don’t know what it means for their sanity and well being.  I have been broken for over three weeks now and while I have gotten many well wishes online and cards in the mail, none of them compare to the few (and I do mean very few) visitors I have gotten.  I don’t have any way of interacting with others in a true human connection sort of way and even in the days of facebook and twitter you find yourself feeling alone and isolated.  Think of everything in your day and then think of what the person who can’t leave their apartment, who can’t work to help support their family, who can’t practice the art form they love and then think of their day and how much just coming by for even half an hour might mean to them.

I’m finding myself questioning my friendships and that hurts.  I thought these people cared about me, they say they care about me but they can’t find one free moment, one half hour, to stop by and say hi.   I feel useless, I feel insignificant.  At this point there is only one person who stops by fairly regularly and that person gives me something to look forward for because I know I’m going to see them.  When people say they are going to stop by and actually follow through, it makes me so happy.  It makes me feel like I matter.  Otherwise, who would even know that I am alive?  And it makes me even more upset for PiC because she is doing everything in her power to show me I care and I matter but she ends up just getting dumped on by me because I feel so out of control with this world and all that’s going on.

I feel like I could just disappear and it wouldn’t matter to anyone.  This injury is more than I feel I can handle at times and I just want out of this bad dream.  I want to go back to being invited to things, to seeing other humans and having conversations and walking down the street.  The only people I see are on the other side of a screen.

I never wanted to use this website as a place to just air my personal grievances, to make myself feel like I matter in the world (though I know I have posted non burlesque related things before) but now I feel like it doesn’t matter because I feel like I dont’ matter within the burlesque community right now.  I can only hope that it’s just a passing emotion brought on by the lack of human contact and the inability to perform, I can only hope.  Because at this moment, it hurts too much.

It hurts too much.

Want to see the pain I’ve been going through? the agony that is my foot.  I keep thinking the pain is going away but nope.  It’s still here.  Not as loud and clear as it once was but still right in the ankle.  Not that I didn’t think I would feel the ligaments reattaching but I just had no idea what it would feel like.  It sends these weird twingy pains up my leg and I have uncontrollable spasms in my foot.  The thought of flexing it is my dirty thought right now.  But the doctors say I’m doing everything properly.  So we can only pray.  Pray that it will actually heal up correctly, that I will have a speed recovery to walking.  Which will then lead to dancing and to performing once more.

But to give you some idea of what I’m going through, here are the photos of my ankle from the outside after one week and after two weeks.  You can definitely see a difference.

Week one

Week two.

The other side is all bruises and pretty bad too.  Just let me know if you want to see that as well and as for me, I’m going to just keep it elevated and try not to feel the pain.  Wiggle those toes!

huggles and kisses

As if, if I don’t post it on here it’s not real.  But it is real, very very real.  I broke my ankle.  While at an event I was carrying my costumes to the dressing room and fell down some stairs causing my fibula to break in two spots and my ligaments to be ripped out of the ankle joint.  Of course I didn’t know that till I was at the hospital after the ambulance ride, the xrays and the surgery.  It was horrible.

It still is.  I am in my second week of bed rest and I can’t stand it. I am anxious, I am lonely, I keep trying to keep my spirit high but I’m so scared.  I’m scared, what if it doesn’t heal right? What if I need more and more and more surgeries.  What if it takes more than 6 months to heal.  What if I never walk properly again.  What if I can’t perform again.

I know I’m not the only performer to break their ankle.  I’m not alone but it’s hard when you are stuck in an apartment with nothing but a computer to keep you company not to feel that way from time to time.  I’m sure I’ll heal fine and I’ll be back to normal within a year but it’s still so frightening. Everytime I turn the wrong way it sends shooting waves of pain up my body.  Nothing I do is right as far as I know cause no one around me knows.

So if I seem a little distant on here I apologize.  I am going to try and post when I have positive things going on but it’s going to be hard.  Not because of access but because of lack of motivation.  Again, I hope once I am further along it won’t seem so hopeless but right now, knowing I have another week before I can even begin to think about a hard cast, it seems endless.

Know that I love you and if I have anything to say about any of this, you will see me again.  Better and brighter.

Huggles and kisses.