Coming from a really personal space
Please remember I am writing this from a very personal space and some things could be misinterpreted as judgements, that is not the case. I am just feeling hurt and like all of us when we are hurt we search for reasons why and usually find them in others because it’s easier to blame others for our problems than to look in at ourselves.
If you ever have a friend or someone you consider a close associate get bed ridden, or they become immobile for whatever reason. Go visit them. You don’t know what it means for their sanity and well being. I have been broken for over three weeks now and while I have gotten many well wishes online and cards in the mail, none of them compare to the few (and I do mean very few) visitors I have gotten. I don’t have any way of interacting with others in a true human connection sort of way and even in the days of facebook and twitter you find yourself feeling alone and isolated. Think of everything in your day and then think of what the person who can’t leave their apartment, who can’t work to help support their family, who can’t practice the art form they love and then think of their day and how much just coming by for even half an hour might mean to them.
I’m finding myself questioning my friendships and that hurts. I thought these people cared about me, they say they care about me but they can’t find one free moment, one half hour, to stop by and say hi. I feel useless, I feel insignificant. At this point there is only one person who stops by fairly regularly and that person gives me something to look forward for because I know I’m going to see them. When people say they are going to stop by and actually follow through, it makes me so happy. It makes me feel like I matter. Otherwise, who would even know that I am alive? And it makes me even more upset for PiC because she is doing everything in her power to show me I care and I matter but she ends up just getting dumped on by me because I feel so out of control with this world and all that’s going on.
I feel like I could just disappear and it wouldn’t matter to anyone. This injury is more than I feel I can handle at times and I just want out of this bad dream. I want to go back to being invited to things, to seeing other humans and having conversations and walking down the street. The only people I see are on the other side of a screen.
I never wanted to use this website as a place to just air my personal grievances, to make myself feel like I matter in the world (though I know I have posted non burlesque related things before) but now I feel like it doesn’t matter because I feel like I dont’ matter within the burlesque community right now. I can only hope that it’s just a passing emotion brought on by the lack of human contact and the inability to perform, I can only hope. Because at this moment, it hurts too much.
It hurts too much.