I was lying in bed this morning thinking about my life from high school on out.  I had recently gotten a comment from one of my high school friends that said I was “one of a kind”.  The funny thing about that is nothing that would normally seem shocking to others; playing rugby, coming out, moving to New Orleans, working at a Strip club, performing Burlesque, moving to New York; those things were not surprising.  It was the mundane; joining a sorority,getting engaged to a man, becoming an accountant; that shocked them.  I guess there is some truth to who you are at a very young age will be who you are when you are older.

Tiny things, funny enough have stayed the same most of the time.  I always say I get along with men better than women but in reality the majority of my friends are women with a few select amazing men thrown in. (this is my shout out to you guys, Greg, Joey, Tom, Abe) I loved my posse of chicas from high school, Lola, Bunny, Nikita, Roxy and Cha Cha.  This is when Bambi was born and while I might be the only one still going by my nickname, there were personality traits I still see in all these women today.  These women are a perfect example of how we have all changed and yet, I think we still have the same inner workings we had back then.

In college, that was the one time I didn’t have a majority of female friends.  I mean, I ran in huge groups of women, my sorority sisters and my rugby team but it was the fraternity, Tau Kappa Epsilon that I really connected with. They viewed me as a the female equivalent to their brothers and I did feel like those guys were my family.  I remember they were the first group of people on campus I came out to. Well, my new girlfriend on the rugby team also, she knew a little bit before they did but as a whole, they were the firsts.  They were so supportive, I remember sitting at lunch helping some of the brothers figure out the signs some girls were sending them while we rated the other girls that walked by, it was awesome.  They supported me fully and I did for them. So many of them pop into my head while I write this it would be unfair to list just because they all mean so much to me as a whole.  That’s not to say I didn’t have incredible friendships with my sisters, it was just, I was never able to come out to them and I regret that.  I feel like while I did find out some intrinsic information about myself in college, for the first 3.5 years I was so worried about what everyone else thought that I didn’t get to figure myself out enough.

I did however get to figure myself in New Orleans.  Finding out I didn’t like office work, that even if I could rake in over $1,000 in a night I wouldn’t work for people that questioned my ethics, I could stand up to the man and not back down, that there was a passion for performing in me that was not getting met.  These are things I found out there, I also went back to my primarily female friends only this time with a twist. Most of my friends were gay like me.  I loved the crazy adventures I would go on with Jenna, how Andrea’s family accepted me into their fold. I also found my religion in New Orleans and that gave me something to use to better myself mentally and to form a foundation for the type of life I wanted.  I loved my church family very much and I constantly miss them and know they would be proud of me. It’s funny how if I could have stayed in New Orleans I was going to start go -go dancing, yet, due to elements out of my control I had to leave and that was put on hold and yet, I made it back to that anyways.

The initial moving to DC was a shock for everyone that knew me, Bambi’s living at home with her dad?? Bambi got a job as an accountant??? These things did not make sense to me but they were the things that had to happen at that moment in my life. Thank God I met my friend Kalyn at that job or else I would have lost it long before I finally did.  Once I was able to get out of that house though I found myself searching for a way to fulfill that passion to perform. I did that through my family with the Gurly show.  There were people in the troupe I didn’t trust but that’s par for the course.  There were however people in that troupe that helped me find my own voice as a performer and have always encouraged me to create.  Coco, Ginger, Roxy and Codie were my girls through thick and thin with that group.  They were there when others were cruel and being nasty, when I started to deal with the weight gain due to my medicine, they supported me no matter what and I love them all dearly for that.  They were actually some of the biggest supporters in me following my dream and moving to New York.

Now I am here and it all comes back full circle.  When I was about 9 or 10 I would dream of how I was going to move to New York City and become a Broadway actress.  I could envision my one room hole with a hot plate and how I would survive on rice and beans.  I would have nothing to my name but I would be living my dream.  In high school I got voted “Most likely to move to Hollywood” which was only because they didn’t have a “Most likely to move to New York City”.  Somewhere along my journey (about mid way through college) I started to think how unprobable that dream was, that I would never move to New York. But somehow, from figuring out who I was on the inside, a performer, and meeting the right people, The Wasabasco Crew, World Famous *Bob*, Fem Appeal, I found myself coming up here every month.  I started bringing my wife with me, she fell in love with this city and we took the jump.  In some ways it’s been amazing; we have an incredible apartment, we have made really awesome friends, we have a support network we never imagined having; and in someways it’s been hard; I still don’t have employment, I broke my ankle and have been unable to perform for the past 3 months solid; but over all this was the right decision for us and it feels like the truest option for us.  I am a performer, I always have been, I continue to be regardless of the hate that is out there and will continue in some form or another till the day I die.  Everything comes full circle, I dyed my hair pink in high school and pink continues to be my color of choice most often when dying my hair.

When you know who you are, you cannot deny that for anyone or anything.  You just have to have faith that it will all work itself out and that the world is larger than you are.  You just have to go with it.

Huggles and Kisses lovelies.

The new hair with some serious Drag makeup on

I am actually feeling really blessed right now so I figured I’d take the second to just share.

Last night was a little rough for reasons outside of my control.  I was reminded of the hatred in the world and no matter how beautiful someone tries to make themselves on the outside, if they are ugly on the inside that will always shine through.  I was given some news, which I do believe the person that gave it to me was trying to be helpful but honestly people who hate were born to hate and they will continue to hate no matter how much you wish they wouldn’t.  It’s not your place to change them, it’s just your place to stay above it.

That is not to say I am not human and so I reached out to my burlesque family and got a warm comforting hug back from them.  They reminded me of the things I just said above and that anyone who has worked with me in any capacity knows the truth.  That meant a lot.  I even had some extended members of this family I call burlesque reach out, people that have met me once or twice or had heard of me from other, more honest folk.  That meant so much.  These performers were the purest epitome of class and beauty.

In a world where everyone is trying to get ahead, burlesque is the one place we should be able to pick each other up.  I’m glad to know that the people I associate with know that and the people who are no longer in my life, well, my life is better for it.

In other exciting news, I have a show booked tentatively for in June as long as my healing is going properly. I can only pray that by that time I am able to perform again.  It’s up to the doctors though.  I miss the stage so much.  I miss the camaraderie backstage, the talking through routines and concepts with others, helping others with their routines.  It has been a long road thus far.  Luckily I have been blessed with amazing friends that have sent me gifts, cards, visited and called me to check in.  Even if it was just a pop in one afternoon, knowing that they could take time away from their life to spend time with me, even if it was just an online chat, means the world.  No matter what happens from the broken ankle, my true friends have made themselves known and I love them all.

Speaking of friends! One of them invited Heidi and I out to her show this Sunday.  World Famous *Bob* is performing her one man show for the third time at Joe’s Pub.  I helped Bob by transcribing it from her first show and I can say that it is one of the most amazing pieces I have ever had the pleasure to hear.  And now to go and see it live! I’m beside myself.  This is definitely worth going out on a Sunday for.  I’m also a little glad I have it to distract me since I had a show booked for that night that the doctors had not cleared me for so what better way to not dwell on your inability to perform (which if I was staying in, I would do) than to go see someone who inspires you perform.  I’m satisfied with the trade off if I couldn’t be performing myself. So if you are in the NYC area and want to do something Sunday and are in Brooklyn, come to Joe’s Pub.  If you are in Manhattan though you can go catch Kitty Nights, it will be missing me but it will still be fab.

Huggles and Kisses

Ooopha! I am finally coherentish from a crazy surprise slumber party last night.  My dear friend Lauren came over to hang for a bit, catch up and just chill but we decided to make some cocktails.  And some quickly turned into a lot and a short visit became 4 am.  So obviously she just slept over.  We had a blast though, my head and stomach this morning, not so much.

We all know moderation ranks fairly close to patience on my list of virtues (i.e. very low to the bottom) but man did I do a number on myself.  All I could think was, when I was younger a night like this would have been a cake walk.  We ate, we drank, we chilled, why are I tore up today?  I guess its the whole age thing, blah.  I normally believe the motto, age is only a number, but sometimes your body makes sure to remind you, no you have been on this planet for 27 years, take care of me you dumb floozy.  And normally I do, I think that’s why this kicked my ass so hard.  It was the first time I’ve drunk hard liquor in 3 months. What a silly girl am I.

Oh well though, I have spent my day plotting and scheming for how I’m going to treat my body better once I’m all healed.  I cannot wait to go on walks again and I actually have a job interview this week that would include a gym membership with it.  That would be lovely.  Mind you I’m not interested in losing weight as a goal but just feeling healthier in my own skin.  Right now, especially right now, I just feel full of crud, like my pipes are clogged and exercise will clean me up to the amazingness I know I am and know I can be.

So if I gained anything from putting my body through a hellacious day it’s that I’m not 21 anymore and that’s ok, I am something more fabulous than that.  I’m me.

huggles and kisses

The footy pajamas I spent all day in looking a lot less sexy I can promise you that.

I know it’s technically early but I know I have plans tomorrow, starting the new year running (so to speak) so I wanted to wish you and yours happiness today.

I am with everyone in feeling a sense of relief that 2009 is over and I am ready to welcome in 2010 or as my friend Bevin puts it 20Femme.  I like that and I plan to use it this coming year as well.  This will be the year 20Femme for me.  I already feel big things in the universe and I am going to be part of it.

In years past I have written off resolutions but I feel so overwhelmed with positive action that this year I am going to have a few of my own.  I would like to share them with you all now, not just so you can see but so that they are out there in the world, somewhere else other than my brain, so I will be held more accountable.

1. I will try to write something everyday.  Be it a blog on here, or a story in my journal.  I spent the last year talking about how I wanted to write more, write something that mattered but I never did.  I always made excuses. So even if it’s just a paragraph, something.  And notice I put tried.  I’m doing this smart, I’m not setting myself up for failure.
2. I will continue to cut bad influences from my life and to remove negative talk from my vocabulary.  nothing bummed me more than how I felt after having bitch sessions this past year.  Yes, sometimes they are cathartic but normally they made me mad or upset at the end of it.  And I found while I thought I was helping myself by cutting it down to only doing it with one or two people was helping me but really they were just helping to fuel the wheels of dissatisfaction in me.  I am going to continue to cut those people from my life and to cut that negative energy out.
3. I will look for and hopefully get a job that I believe in and enjoy.  Being unemployed has been fun but I am ready for steady employment.  I am ready to be part of a solution.  I will find this job and I will get it.  This is something I just feel 20Femme has in store for me.
4. In honor of 20Femme, I will spend more time on taking care of myself.  This means healing properly from my broken ankle.  This means only putting things that taste good and are good for me ( and yes, chocolate and ice cream are sometimes good for you) into myself.  I want to start exercising once I get the go ahead from my doctors.  Not to change my body but to change how I feel in my body.  I love my shape and my curves but when I am working out I just feel more connected to it instead of it just being a container that holds me.
5. I am going to get good habits.  They say that it takes 28 days of doing something repeatedly for it to become a habit.  I plan to do this, this is also in conjunction with the resolution to take better care of myself.  I hate to admit it but I don’t even use face lotion everyday.  This is the first habit I’m going to try for.
6. I am going to cook more and for my friends more often.  I love being surrounded by people.  I love creating things in the kitchen.  So tell me why I have yet to do this to my satisfaction?  It will happen and it will be delicious.
7. I am going to spend time nurturing the friendships I truly care about.  There are so many people in my life that I just truly feel blessed to know.  I want these relationships to mature and to grow and to blossom as I know they can.
8. I am going to continue to work on my art.  Just because I am broken and haven’t been able to perform burlesque for the last two months doesn’t mean the flame has died.  I had a friend over recently (for whom I made coffee, not quite cooking but baby steps) and they just reiterated the fact that you can tell I love to perform when I am on stage.  I do.  I want to set goals for myself.  I am not going to let this broken ankle keep me from the goals I had already set for myself.  I love it and it is a part of me.
9. I will take the time to show my PiC, my partner in crime, my wife that I love her more often.  She has been my rock.  I am going to work to show her that and to give her the credit she deserves more often.  I know I appreciate her but I need to show her more often how much I do. We are going to grow our family, even if only in our love for each other.
10. I am going to be me.  So often I find myself changing how I am to fit in with what I think people want from me.  I get so scared of what other people thing.  I feel like all my other resolutions work back to just this, me being true to who I am and trying to be the best Bambi there is.  Also, I’m going to get my name legally changed.

So there you go cats and kittens, my resolutions for 20Femme, the year of Femme.  It is going to continue to be a roller coaster, just like 2009 but it’s going to be good one.  That is not to say all of 2009 was bad.  I did celebrate being married for one year, I moved to New York City, I became close friends with two of my idols.  I can say those are some pretty incredible things, just expect more in the year to come

Huggles and Kisses!

Something someone created, I'm suppose to be squatting in case you couldn't tell (I couldn't)

So for this Christmas Season I received, luckily, from quite a few family members a little bit of cash.  They all said, spend it on something I needed.  Thing is, the stuff I needed most of the money was food, rent and bills so that’s where all the little gifts went.  My parents however gave us a sizable amount of money and at two different times said spend it on what you need and on what you want.  Well what if what you want and what you need are not the same?

Having been without a job for so long, burlesque or otherwise, I have come to live on the scraps of what works.  I have one pair of pants, 3 skirts which all are not dressy, and some dresses.  All my costumes need upgrades as well as just my desire and need for new costumes.  I need new costumes but does that need outweigh the need for new shoes that don’t have holes in them or for a pair of jeans so I can go out in public without looking like a hobo?  I don’t know.  I am torn.

While it makes more sense to spend it on the clothing items I need for everyday wear without upgrading or getting new costumes I will not be able to get gigs and if I’m unable to get gigs then I won’t be able to make money.  I used to follow this rule though, that only burlesque money could be spent of burlesque.  Maybe I just suck it up for a little bit and go back to that but again without new pieces how do I get the gigs.  It’s a catch 22.

Then there’s the part of me which says, get clothes you want to wear out.  Dress for the person you want to be but if I do that then I don’t have any work clothes.  So maybe I should spend it getting a more professional wardrobe but then I don’t know if once I’m healed and hopefully working if I want to work in a setting where I can’t dress like myself.  But if I do get a job like that I’ll need those clothes right away so that I can go into work.  It’s another conundrum.

I hope this doesn’t make me sound ungrateful.  After everything we have gone through this year, I am so touched beyond words to even have this problem I just don’t know what I want and what I need right now.  At least I’ve been able to narrow the whole thing down to clothes, I don’t really want or need anything else.  Otherwise I could just spend it all on books or movies, or music, those are the only other things I want.  Luckily I know better than that.

Sorry this isn’t anything deeper for you all.  You’d think after having this blog for 2 years I’d know how to write about things that mattered more to other people.  Sadly I’m still just as self involved as before on here.  I do appreciate your taking the time to at least pretend to read it though.  Especially with the broken ankle.  I know my life has come to a crawl as of lately but I can only hope that with the new year and the removal of my screws that there will be bigger and better things on the horizon.  I feel it, this is the year for change.

Huggles and Kisses.

Had an amazing time at the Maxi – Craft fair at Re/Dress last night.  The PiC helped me set up and Bevin, being the queen that she is, gave me the most comfy chair since standing wasn’t an option I’d have like the other crafters.  I was positioned next to a lovely lady by the name of Pam who made beautiful steampunk inspired jewelry. We shared lovely discussions about swing dancing and how I got broken.

There was all sorts of crafts from hand embroidered handkerchiefs, knitted sea creatures to some beautiful photography.  In true Re/Dress fashion though there was also some fat positive time.  It’s something that I don’t always talk about publicly but it is something that is on my mind constantly.  Luckily there is a woman who not only thinks and talks about it but is putting it into a film for all to see.  Her name is Kira Nerusskaya and she is putting together a documentary called Fat Girls Float.  It’s a film which will give a voice to plus size women from multiple countries.  She has financed the entire project on her own and has been raising finances on Kickstart.  She has only three more days in which you can pledge so if you are able to give anything, hit this lady up.  It’s an awesome cause.

In other news, my dear friend Caitlin and Justin are visiting us while they are in town for the One of a Kind Craft Show.  Caitlin is the genius behind Rebound Designs which some of you might remember I worked for for a short time.  I can back her quality not just as a former helper but as an owner of one of these amazing purses.  They are super fun and make great gifts, I’m just saying y’all.

Well now its time to just spend sometime relaxing today and enjoying the little furry babies.  Hope you all enjoy your Thursday as well!

Huggles and Kisses!

My set up and me!

A few days ago this question was posed out into the universe.  I think it may have been meant as an insult but it actually led me to wonder, what is a Bambi Galore.  While I pondered on this I figured I’d reach out to those that might know and ask the interwebs.

some responses I got were:

• Sexy, Eclectic, A fighter
• more Bambi than you can handle, sucka!
• A fancy Drink
• A dirty sex activity
• A gay cervid
• the hottest chunk of white meat this holiday season
• a cuntrag (sic)

Now while my triple weave does pull moisture away from your skin I prefer to not think of myself as a feminine hygiene product. Though…. depending on who was using the product, sorry sorry, that’s too visual even for me, lol.  But it did make me think.  Who is Bambi Galore, what is a Bambi Galore.

I guess I would say a Bambi Galore is a state of being.  It’s an identity where you are more than just a mear mortal but you are in no ways a God.  You are just on your way to something bigger and brighter.  It’s an attitude where you put it all out there and you understand there will be haters, i.e. the cunt rag comment, but that’s ok because it’s through that that you become greater.  It’s easier to answer who Bambi Galore is.

Bambi Galore is a performer.  She is a size positive, sex positive, gender bending performer who likes to make people feel joyous but is also not afraid to say how the world really is while doing it.  She’s not afraid being hurt and still loves the world fully.  She does not intimidate because she stands behind what she says and believes.  She is a drag mother and a drag daughter to many.  She respects the history and those that came before her and encourage those that have come after her.

But again, what a Bambi Galore is, is harder to interpret.  The easiest answer is Bambi Galore is a woman, a ftf impersonator, a burlesque performer but a Bambi Galore is more than that.  I cannot imagine what my life would be like if Bambi Galore had not become part of it.  I would not have met some of the most incredible beings in existence.  I would not have traveled to the places I have been or had the guts to move to New York City.  I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave an abusive relationship or put it all on the line for the chance at meeting my soulmate.  I owe my life to Bambi Galore and I am so blessed to have it be a part of me.

If you have some suggestions to what the hell a Bambi Galore is, feel free to comment.  I will say, sadly, due to people’s inabilities to act as adults I will need to be approving comments now but don’t worry, I don’t plan to keep out all the bad ones.  I mean it’s only through the haters that we can continue to want to get better and be better, so keep on hating!

Though I like the loves too

Huggles and kisses!

For me to forget my sweet pet, Snowball.  She was my confidant and best friend from the age of 5 until she passed away two years ago today.  She was my one constant, no matter what was going on, I had her in my life.  She never judged me, in fact, more than likely she still loved me regardless.  She would get mad when I would go on trips and give me the silent treatment when I would come home but sure enough, when it was time to go to sleep she would be curled up pressed against my back.

Please be kind to your animal friends.  They are living creatures and give us so much more than we could ever give them.  They understand you and support you when there is no one else around.  They make our lives more full regardless of how annoying they can be at times.  Also, I know it’s a personal choice but if you are able to, get your animals from shelters.  Those are animals that already exist and need to be loved just as much as any other animal.

I miss you Snowball, everyday.  You are in my heart and always will be.

Huggles and kisses

So I have been thinking of changing up some of the design on this just to let you know and it has led me to want to talk to a few artist friends of mine.  Well, I go to my friend Leslie’s Website, and see that she has in fact read my mind before I sent her the email to see if she’d draw me.  she already has.

It’s part of her thesis project and I cannot tell you all how honored I am to be among the people she chose to paint.   If only I could do my laundry like that, lol.  Well either way, I wanted to share my excitement with you all.  Yay.

Huggles and Kisses

I just want to say how thankful I am to all of you who are in my lives.  Even if I have never met you but you have taken time to learn a little bit about me through this website, I am thankful for you too.  This past year has really given me a lot to look back on.  I have gone to so many different places, and met so many interesting people, there was no way last thanksgiving that I would have been given so much life this past year.  Even this stupid broken ankle is a gift in it’s own right and I am thankful for what it has taught me.

I am truly thankful for my wife, my partner in crime.  She has taken my flaws and loved them anyways.  She accepts me for who I am and how I am and shares in my pleasures.  She treats me like a queen and constantly tells me I do the same to her.  I am so grateful to have her in my life.

I am thankful for my work friends, those on 6th avenue and those on the burlesque stage.  You all give me such strength and faith in myself.  You bring me light and humor and inspiration constantly.

I am thankful for my personal friends.  You are all people I can go years without talking to and within 5 minutes its like we never stopped.  You are the ones that accept me with all my faults and let me be my best by being there for you.

I am thankful for my family.  Your support has shaped me through out the years.  You have been there to see all my falls and all my sucesses.  You guys were my first fans.

I am thankful for my fans.  You people let me know what I am doing is right.  That I shouldn’t hide my passion under a bushel.  I love to make you love me.

I am thankful for my haters.  You are the ones that push me to continue to become better.  To stay true to what I believe because I have conviction in my ability.

Thank you all for making me who I am and who I want to be.  I hope you are able to reflect and see all you are thankful for.

Huggles and Kisses